My first alarm goes off. I’m immediately wide awake. My heart is racing. I can’t breathe. My hands are shaking. No, my whole body is vibrating. Did I sleep at all? There is absolutely no need for the other 4 alarms I set in fear I wouldn’t hear the first one. Fortunately I wasn’t sleeping on my “good” ear.
I’m going to work. I can’t go to work. I have to go to work. I start bawling.
No need for coffee this morning, my fight or flight mechanism is all the energy I need. Shower. I need to shower. Crap. I should’ve done that last night. It might be more than I can handle. It will be a lot of stimuli, and I need to keep that as minimal as possible. I get out of bed too quickly, and I stumble to the closest wall. I close my eyes until my world readjusts. The spinning slows…enough that I can walk. Ugh, this sucks.
Shower. Water on. Lights off. Fan off. Shampoo. Done.
My body is still shaking. My heart is still racing. I can’t open my lungs wide enough. There isn’t enough air in the room. My world is spinning. My head HURTS, the pain jumps from place to place, but always hurts. My stomach is sour, but I need to eat. I need to take medicine, lots and lots of medicine. If there is any hope of surviving this day, I’m going to need lots and lots of medicine. It’s not even 7am. How am I going to make it to 4?
I start to get dressed, which takes way longer than it should. “One foot. Two foot. Good job!!!”, like I say to my nephew, who is a toddler. Make-up and hair? Not happening. I force down a few bites of a granola bar and a couple sips of water.
Ibuprofen. Maximum dose. Check. Real pain meds. Check. Nausea meds. Check. Motion sickness meds. Check. Took ’em all, packed ’em all. Please work. Please, please work.
So glad I packed my “teacher bag” (think Mary Poppins but with way less cooler stuff) last night because I have no clue what I’d toss in it right now. I grab my lunch, teacher bag, and head out the door. Lock it. Think.
Really think. What are you forgetting?
Oliver likes to eat. Details… details…
I drop my bag, lunch, keys, unlock my front door, and head back in. I feed my poor pup and try again.
I lock up the house and get into my mom’s car. She has offered to drive me which is amazing, since I can’t even walk. Car rides are the devil. Eyes open makes me sick, eyes closed is just as bad. My mind is racing with “what if’s” and worse case scenarios. I’m doing this. I can’t do this. I have to do this. We’re almost to school. Keep it together.
I’m going to work. I can’t go to work. I have to go to work.